Dark Chocolate

Let’s talk about love while it’s hours before Valentine’s Day. It’s corny, i know. But it’s something a lot of you spend hours and hours talking with your friends. you cry over it. you laugh over it. you hate it at times. and at one point in your life, you feel nothing about it, even just for a few hours. especially when you’ve had enough of it. like i do..

4 years ago, i thought i found him on a day when i was just enjoying listening to the beatles at some old bar where my dad used to play.

in the entire time we were together, we were happy. we were together everywhere. mrt, la mesa park, pasay, cavite, tagaytay, boracay, lrt, cuchi tunnel, baguio, boracay, house, terrace, binondo,fairview, paranaque, timog,sta ana, name it.

we’d listen to music. from metal rock to bossa nova.

we’d read books, from sandman to bob ong’s satirical masterpieces.

we’d play music, from heart to eric clapton.

 we’d take pictures, from sunrise to sunset.

we’d watch movies, from xmen to tearjerking–the notebook kind of films.

we’d right poems to each other.

we’d cry over our heartaches.

we’d fight over petty matters.

we’d laugh till our stomachs hurt.

we’d make promises and pinky swears.

we’d plan our lives ahead, knowing that we’d grow old with each other

we’d do just about anything and everything.

until one day, he decided to  do things without me.

until one day, he decided to do things with another person.

until one day,  love just flew and i was dumbfounded.

 he left. i stayed.

he’s gone. i still stayed.

things happen for a reason i know.

and now i left. and when i walked out the door, it felt good somehow. because i know it was worth a try.

like friends come and go, love does too.

Malayo Na Ang Puso

Di mo man aminin
DI maaring ipagkaila
DI ko man suriin
Di maaring itago pa
Ang kislap ng iyong mata
Di ko na makita
Kulimlim ang umaga
May bagyong nagbanta

Sampu mang pangako
Di na maaring ibalik
Ang dating pagsuyo
Ang tamis ng iyong halik
Ang bawat alaala
Hapdi ng pag-isa
At sa maling akala
Mapait ang naging bunga

Malayo na ang puso
Kasama ang mga pangako
Malayo na ang puso
Dalawang landas
Na di na magtatagpo

Kung mayroon mang naiwan
Natira sa puso ko
Hayan mong tumubo
Hayang muling mabuo
Pagdating ng panahon
Pag-ibig ko’y babangon
Mula sa pagkakabaon
Bagong pagkakataon

-The Jerks

And so it goes…

And I thought it was my final stop.

Four years ago (and a month to be exact), I was already certain about my future. Four years after, I was back to my old self. Cynical. Skeptical. Unsure. Jaded. Dense… Except that I won’t push myself to something that’s not for me. Except that I’m more accepting now. Except that I’m more of disappointed than angry. Except that I know it would be for the best. Except that the cut is deeper and more painful. But life must go on.

Buddha said: In the end you will be judged by how well you lived, how deeply you loved, and how gracefully you’re able to let go of things that aren’t meant for you.

And that’s how I will be judged because I know I’m living my life well, I have loved deeply and I am willing to let go of something that I thought was meant for me.

After a year

Wow, after a year. I’m back. Not a lot of people know me here.  Great that I remembered my password. Been wanting to write. Not in Multiply because I dont want too many people to meddle with my  life.  I don’t want too many people asking what my blog was all about as in the case of Mags.  I don’t want too many people to be guessing what could have been happening and they would spread their theories around. It’s pathetic.  Anyway…

It’s 6:44 AM and I’m waiting for Mags to come home. Worried as hell. I was browsing the Net, checking out other people’s profile. Keeping myself busy. Not wanting to become paranoid as I have been waiting for Mags for 5 hours already.

I miss my old life. I miss it but I can’t already remember what it felt like back then. It’s hard when you have always thought that things will be the same. But reality of life: things change, people change. And all you just have to do is accept it eventhough it hurts sometimes.  I remember what my friend told me: it takes two to tango and one to ruin the dance. It’s true somehow but you can’t always blame someone for whatever is happening to you, to both of you. 

 Funny how I am able to show everyone that I’m okay. No need for them to know what really is going on inside my head. It’s hard to pretend to be okay when behind the mask, you’re crushed. But I got acting skills and sometimes it works good for myself. I hate too many questions. I hate explaining. I hate people who interpret your stories. I hate it when people give you pieces of advice when they haven’t gotten any clue about what really happened. Just for the heck of saying something. That’s why I prefer to keep quiet. Life is much simpler that way.

Suggested Readings (1)

1. Seize the Day-Saul Bellow

2. The House of the Spirits-Isabelle Allende

3. America the Beautiful- Moon Unit Zappa (Daughter of music legendary Frank Zappa)

4. The Tale of Genji- Lady Murasaki

Better if you can get hold of the unabridged version.

5. Asleep- Banana Yoshimoto

6. Memoirs of a Geisha-Arthur Golden

7. The Catcher in the Rye- J.D. Salinger

8. The Fortunate Pilgrim- Mario Puzo

9. The Book of Laughter and Forgetting- Milan Kundera

10. Les Miserables-Victor Hugo

11. The Voyage Out- Virginia Woolf

Read it once, twice or three times.

12. Notes from the Underground- Fyodor Dosteovsky

13. Alamat ng Gubat- Bob Ong

14. Ibong Mandaragit- Amado Hernandez

15. Noli Me Tangere- Jose Rizal

Liked this one better than El Fili.

16. A Modest Proposal- Jonathan Swift

17. Sandman Graphic Novels- Neil Gaiman

18. 300- Frank Miller

If you love the movie, you'll certainly love the graphic novel more!

19. Batman: Hush 1 and 2- Jeph Loeb

20. A Suitable Boy- Vikram Seth

My all-time favorite.

Pinky Swear

Patience, Julia. Patience. I applied in a multlateral organization. And it's taking forever before they tell me the results. But you know they say, kung walang tiyaga, walang nilaga. Pero isang buwan na niluluto ang nilaga, hanggang ngayon wala pa rin.

Lord, im a good girl you know that. Please, please, sa lahat ng kinkulit ko sa inyo, sana ito talaga bigay niyo sa akin. I promise when I get accepted, di ko na kayo kukulitin sa maliliit na bagay. Promise yan. Pinky swear. Salamat.

Elections

I don't want to bring a sour note
Remember this before you vote
We can all sink or we all float
'Cause we're all in the same big boat

-Sting

Let's vote wisely. Don't vote for the lesser evil. Vote for the gooodd ones. But then again, do we still have them?:(

Jerks on Acoustic

I watched The Jerks last Friday with my sister and a couple of friends. 70's Bistro changed its format to Acoustic. So no electric guitars, no hard rock and roll. They had to comply with the so-called rules of Quezon City regarding keeping the decibel level at the minimum since they are in a residential area. BUT they cannot stop the Jerks from rockin' the place!  Yes, the approach was laid back, relaxed. But the music is still THAT. I can't really explain it. Mapa acoustic man ang Jerks o hindi, the soul of their music is still there. I'm not being biased because they're my 'titos' but I've heard a few rock bands that did acoustic and boy,  they sounded really different. Nawala yung indak ba. At the end of each song, you'd really say that the original version is much, much better. Although of course I miss the old Jerks in Bistro but I was surprised that nothing changed much. Siguro kasi you can see that they're still enjoying while playing despite the big adjustment they had to make. I always believed that for your audience to appreciate and enjoy your music, you must first enjoy and be happy with what you're doing. People can tell if you're not, you know. So probably that's one of the many things that Ive learned from The Jerks (and from my dad, of course). Kahit pa ba nauulit yung mga kinakanta, hinahanap hanap ng mga tao pa din. Wala eh. Masaya lang. I'm sure of course, they get tired too pero yun nga eh, kahit nakakapagod naeenjoy pa din nila or at least that's what's apparent when they're on the stage.

 Yun lang.

Blame It on the Stars

"All blame is a waste of time. No matter how much fault you find with another, and regardless of how much you blame him, it will not change you. The only thing blame does is to keep the focus off you when you are looking for external reasons to explain your unhappiness or frustration. You may succeed in making another feel guilty about something by blaming him, but you won't succeed in changing whatever it is about you that is making you unhappy.”

"When We Were Your Age!"

Luis "Weslu" Guiang (b.1968 †.2007)

I was introduced to Weslu (and Nonong) a year ago in Saguijo.  I was with my boyfriend and sister. We were outside the bar when we saw him.  He knew my father, Jovi Abella(b. 1952 † 2003) and uncle, Rey Abella who like himself were musicians.  I was surprised to have seen his reaction when my boyfriend introduced me to him. Napaka masayahin niyang tao. His eyes were glowing, para bang natuwa siya talaga nakilala ka niya. He was also happy to know that my sister and I were daughters of  Jovi and nieces of Rey. Then he started to tell us stories of some of his experiences at the time when he was our age.  As he narrated them, he would tell us  " when we were your age" and we'd laugh as if we've known each other for a long time. It's not hard to be drawn to him. Ang ganda ng aura niya kasi. I told my tito I met Weslu and he can only say nice things about him: funny talaga yun at mabait na tao.  Isa lang ako sa maraming tao na napatawa niya.

I just saw him last Friday, January 12 at the Dakila Event, days before he passed away. When he saw me, he said, "uy, matagal na tayo di nagkita ah. Sa Saguijo pa. Kumusta na? . " I was touched because it's been a year since we last saw each other and he still remembered where we first met. I mean, sino ba naman ako diba para maalala niya yung pinaka maliit na detalye na yun. We had a good laugh that day and we joked around " when we were your age." Ang saya niya nun. May bago daw siya pantalon tulad ng pantalon na suot ni Bing (Austria). They had to leave before us so as he said goodbye, he told each and one he knew (while patting us on our backs) "good to see you back." When he was outside I shouted" when we were your age." He looked back and said "when we were your age" and laughed and pointed at me. I didn't know it was the last time that I'll see him

It was good to see him and to have known him. And though we only had two encounters, I will always remember him. Kaunti lang tao tulad ni Weslu.

You will be greatly missed.

*There will be a benefit gig for him tonight at Xaymaca, Timog and Tricias Bar along Regalado Ave. Please be there. I'm sure he'd really be happy to see all of you paying tribute to him.

Totoy Bilisan Mo ang Takbo!

 Tatsulok-Buklod

 Totoy bilisan mo, bilisan mo ang takbo
Ilagan ang mga bombang nakatutok sa ulo mo
Totoy tumalon ka, dumapa kung kailangan
At baka tamaan pa ng mga balang ligaw

Totoy makinig ka, wag kang magpa-gabi
Baka mapagkamalan ka’t humandusay dyan sa tabi
Totoy alam mo ba kung ano ang puno’t dulo
Ng di matapos-tapos na kaguluhang ito

Hindi pula’t dilaw tunay na magkalaban
Ang kulay at tatak ay di syang dahilan
Hangga’t marami ang lugmok sa kahirapan
At ang hustisya ay para lang sa mayaman

Habang may tatsulok at sila ang nasa tuktok
Di matatapos itong gulo

At ang dating munting bukid, ngayo’y sementeryo
Totoy kumilos ka, baliktarin ang tatsulok
Tulad ng dukha, nailagay mo sa tuktok

Just heard over NU the remake of this song by Bamboo. Ang galing. Kakatuwa. I was in grade school (I think) when Buklod released this song. Nakakamiss mga bandang tulad ng Buklod, Grupong Pendong, Asin, Lokal Brown, etc. I remembered when my Papa and Tito used to bring us to concerts like Musicians for Peace and the like and we would sing our hearts out to the songs that we know. These were only the bands that I know then and my classmates couldn't relate when I sing Tatsulok, Cotabato, Reklamo ng Reklamo and Bagyo Bagyo among others . I thought that all Filipino bands at that time  have only songs of protest such as that of Grupong Pendong or Buklod. Yun kasi ang kinamulatan ko eh. My sisters and I even sang at a concert in Folk Arts Theater with Gary Granada, Bagong Dugo, Susan Magno,etc. Kinanta namin Magagandang Anak. Finale pa. Derecho lang ang tingin namin para di kami maconscious sa mga tao na nanunuod.  After the concert, a group of young men and women approached us and asked " Bata, anong pangalan ng banda niyo? Galing ah! ."  It was only years after that I realized our participation in that concert  was such a great honor and privilege. Ang sarap lang balikan.

I just hope that musicians would continue to write songs that tackle socially relevant issues or remake songs of those who made a difference and brought awareness in the music industry and society as well.

First time ko!

Finally! Finally! After being convinced by my sister, may blog na ako. Yeah! 

 I have about 20 diaries at home or even more ( I lost count!). I collect them. I collect pens too. My eldest sister laughs at me for doing so. Mahilig daw ako magaabubot. True. But apart from that, I've always attempted to write about everything that has happened to me. And 1 or 2 diaries is not enough para isulat lahat nangyayari sa akin hanggang mamatay ako. As if madrama buhay ko! hahahahhaha. I have filled up 2 diaries–100 leaves each as of today. Started when I was in grade 6. I stopped writing events of my life when I was dumped by my long time boyfriend.  I thought that writing my heartaches would increase the pain so it was best to just shut up and keep my feelings afloat. I got tired of thinking and thinking and crying and crying. Silly me. Didnt know better then. Moving on, when I recovered (you see I was young then so feel na feel ko ang pagka broken hearted ko–yuck!) I still didn't write down what happened to me. I almost threw my diaries. I didnt want to go back and read the happy/sad events in my life. I'll only get sentimental. And I didn't have time because I was very busy at school. Texting and reading a book occupied most of my time at home.

So ngayon na may blog, I hope to write again. Pero, pano kaya mga diaries ko? hehehehhehehe:)